Not Yet

"We don't really have no's; we have now and not yet."
These were the first words I heard when I registered that my audition was a complete bust. Okay, not complete, I have the look & the "general essence" of Hustle. Otherwise, not so much.

Gotta say, I didn't see it coming. Even with my running late, chewing gum to help loosen my cheeks for big smiles (and forgetting to spit it out!), having to wear a waist band dripping in someone else's sweat and talk into a mic that I'd never used. Not with the fact that the sound system wasn't IPod compatible and my back up CD didn't have the music I've been using. Would you believe, not even with the fact that I was on a Jane Fonda style carpeted stage that I was certain I would fall from at any moment. Not when the evaluator stopped the music about 10 minutes in. Even then I still didn't have a clue.

That is, until I took a few moments of reflection. Then I went from bummed to excited & hungry in a way I haven't been in a very long while.

Here's the run down:
First things first. I didn't suck completely; I just lacked several things that need to be addressed before you hit the A-Team at a club like 24. I am certain that I could totally kick booty at a local community center. No problem. Still, I've always been kinda type A and if I'm going to do a thing, I want total world domination - or at least a close second :o).

In short, I just wasn't ready. It's been 9 months since I've been really into fitness again after an 11 year lapse and even then I was into participating, not instructing. Further, it's been less than 2 months since I first thought about being an instructor - I can cut myself a little slack here and take it slow :o)

With that said, the feedback rocked! I listened and, of course, felt the lump in my throat. I felt it on the way to my car and about 5 minutes down the road.

Then the irony of the situation hit me: I used to be in the evaluator's chair. I used to see areas for improvement and try to point them out with tact. I walked that line between nonnegotiable expectations and honoring someone's effort.

It wasn't easy and I didn't have nearly the grace that this person had.

Not a proud moment for me, but it's true.

I remember wondering what in the world these people were doing by bringing less than and expecting it to be enough. It kind of drove me nuts. There were those who held the philosophy that they were trying, even trying their best, so that should count for something. I always thought, "Are you nutz?" If my brain surgeon didn't quite have what it took, but he was really trying, should it matter? Duh.

The thing is that there are some areas of life that are open to a great deal of leeway while others are not. You can't totally suck at being a mom and hope someone will spot you the points. Sure, there are a few things like housekeeping, availability or coolness can be offered a Mulligan. But there are the basics that simply must be done, like safety, security, advocacy, food & love. If you aren't providing those, you kind of suck (sorry).

When I was a teacher working with teachers, I would think: you can not dial it in here. Kids get one chance at this school year. Just one. And no, you can't suck because it's a hard time. You can leave and come back when you are ready to be what they need. Sorry.

So now, on this day that started with me writing an email to a student in my Research Writing class that outlined what the expectation is and why that would pretty much be the only acceptable product - afterall, it's a research class; ya kinda hafta have research - and then led to my being informed of the expectation and why it would pretty much be the standard I needed to meet, I am actually encouraged.

I know that expectations make sense. I know that there are efforts that aren't good enough, at least not yet. I also know that this does not mean I shouldn't strive to be good enough. Everyday, a little more. And believe you me, I will be kickin booty and takin names very soon.

Until then, I'm not ready to give up on setting my own expectations or on meeting the expectations of others. I'm not ready to sit down and start making a laundry list of excuses and explanations. I've been at home for a while, but I am not out of the excellence game. Not yet.

Until next,