About a week ago, a FB friend asked for input on why folks who have lost weight/gotten in shape finally made the decision and stayed commited to it. Further, she asked what their reasons were for resisting this process in the first place. What kept them in that unhealthy, unhappy boat?
I surprised myself by my response. I knew EXACTLY what stopped me from losing weight. Almost like I'd rehearsed it: the words flowed like a poem I knew by heart, like lyrics to a favorite tune. In fact, it was harder to explain how/why I made the change than it was for me to explain why I didn't for so many years.
Interesting.
That, my friends, is what is on my mind today. I know that so many people are thinking of what they'd like 2013 to bring. I also know that many of these folks will list weight loss as one of their goals. Ultimately, I know that the reasons and rationales that have kept them in an unhealthy pattern will return like theives in the night to attack these well-intentioned efforts.
I believe, with every fiber of my being, that you must face the opposition, size it up and get real about the challenges they pose if you are going to be successful with any campaign. Behavior modification isn't war, but it sure can feel like it.
So what to do, what to do?
Before you get real about your "why," get real about your "why not." Your "why" is the reason that motivates you. It is the fire that keeps you moving forward toward your goal. Conversely, your "why not" is the wet blanket that threats to douse that fire. It is the secret inner monologue that has allowed you to find yourself in the place and space you currently inhabit.
Today, I'm encouraging you to confront your "why nots." Understand what has been stopping you so you don't get sucker punched by these ideas when they pop up later & threaten to side line your efforts.
In my case, I stayed heavy for so many really good reasons. First, my focus was on being a good mom, being a great teacher, and being a good wife. None of these required me to be physically different. After all, my days of clubbing in clingy clothes were over. Who was I trying to impress? Just my husband and he was fine with my curves. I wasn't trying to catch a man and the one I had was happy.
To be honest, my "motherly figure" was actually a plus at work because it made me completely non-sexual. Kind of a plus when you are teaching hormone-heavy teens.
Further, it was easier to deal with adults when I was overweight. Women weren't catty. Men weren't hitting on me. Heck, I didn't even draw a second look most of the time.
My extra weight was a cocoon of warmth that was sexually neutral and the epitome of zero threat. I wasn't so big that I was somehow offensive or socially unacceptable. In so many ways, it was perfect!
Can you imagine how difficult it is to choose restraint, hard work, exhaustion, embarassment, frustration and fear every day when these things were the alternative?
Losing weight is hard. At least it was for me. I had to change what I ate, how ate, when I ate, why I ate. I had to change how I moved, when I moved, why I moved. I had to feel my body melt and morph and mend. Worse yet, I had to watch it happen. It didn't always look good and it wasn't fun.
In those quiet moments, I was choosing between the warm blanket of pounds (or my fat wubby :-) and the cold loneliness of sore muscles and the feeling that something was always missing from my plate.
Surpised to find me say these things? I know, it might not be what you'd expect from a motivator, but a big part of success is facing the situation from a place of honesty.
Ya gotta get real. Yes, there were some things about being overweight that felt like major benefits, yet there were also some aspects of that life that sucked, plain and simple.
I felt uncomfortable in almost everything I wore. An outfit never looked like it was supposed to look on my body and fabric folded in embarrassing ways.
I couldn't wear dresses. I went years without wearing a dress because if the wind blew that fabric flattened molded against my curves and NOT in a good way.
My skin had marks all over it from where fabric or skin rubbed and chaffed. It tooks months after I'd hit my goal weight for these marks to go away.
My asthma went ballistic. I was having trouble breathing when I sat down and watched movies because the rolls and boobs applied too much pressure to my chest. True story.
I got winded going upstairs. My home became a house of yells and shouts because that was the fastest way to communicate without actually tackling those stairs.
My husband loved me as I was, but I didn't feel sexy at all. There are aspects of intimacy that really require you to feel sexy in your skin. You are a completely different person behind closed doors when the skin you are in "fits." & that's all I have to say about that.
I realized that I wanted to let my sons know that they can have a nurturing mom who is also fun, healthy and yes, sexy. I started thinking about the true message I was sending to them: that sexy women are associated with pre-motherhood and that post-motherhood that all shuts down. What man looks forward to that? Would that silent message impact their decision to commit to someone, would it cause them to resist the idea of building a family?
I knew that once the weight left and I got noticed people might get mean. People might remember that I was a female, that I was a sexual being, and that (for whatever crazy reason) might make me a threat. I don't like drama. Kinda hate it. I don't like cattiness. Kinda hate it. I don't like it when folks are mean to me. Really hate it. But, if it comes down to a choice between my health and someone else feeling threatened: That person can suck it. Seriously.
Ultimately, the weight loss journey became the single most profound of my life. I reclaimed certain parts of my personality and gained a new-found strength. I learned to deal with conflict graciously instead of avoiding it using unhealthy habits. In short, I had to put on my big girl panties and deal with the real world on my own terms instead of hiding from it in a 60 lb fat suit.
This is what you have to remember when you are making changes. Yes, it can stink in the moment; be honest about that. But when you are being honest, remember to also be honest about the fact that sometimes when we make a wrong turn, the journey back to the right road is long and bumpy. That is a basic truth, so deal with it. The cherry on top is that you gain so much more than you could ever lose.
It won't be fun while you push toward this goal.
You will go with out things you'd like to have.
You will miss things you've had that feel familiar (and good).
You will be uncomfortable. Sorry, it's true.
And you will be stronger and better and healthier and more balanced than you could ever imagine.
You will be more centered in your own shoes because you will have defined yourself, from the inside out.
This is what you have to think about when you commit to a major lifestyle change. List your why nots. Write them down and then give a reason each isn't valid. Post them somewhere you can go back and review them when you need them. Acknowledge that you are losing more than just the weight and then realize that you are gaining something each and every day.
This is where you will find your fuel: through honest release of what is lost and faithful pursuit of what is gained.
Stay tuned for more on the role of journaling as you move toward success!
