About a week ago, a FB friend asked for input on why folks who have lost weight/gotten in shape finally made the decision and stayed commited to it. Further, she asked what their reasons were for resisting this process in the first place. What kept them in that unhealthy, unhappy boat?
I surprised myself by my response. I knew EXACTLY what stopped me from losing weight. Almost like I'd rehearsed it: the words flowed like a poem I knew by heart, like lyrics to a favorite tune. In fact, it was harder to explain how/why I made the change than it was for me to explain why I didn't for so many years.
Interesting.
That, my friends, is what is on my mind today. I know that so many people are thinking of what they'd like 2013 to bring. I also know that many of these folks will list weight loss as one of their goals. Ultimately, I know that the reasons and rationales that have kept them in an unhealthy pattern will return like theives in the night to attack these well-intentioned efforts.
I believe, with every fiber of my being, that you must face the opposition, size it up and get real about the challenges they pose if you are going to be successful with any campaign. Behavior modification isn't war, but it sure can feel like it.
So what to do, what to do?
Before you get real about your "why," get real about your "why not." Your "why" is the reason that motivates you. It is the fire that keeps you moving forward toward your goal. Conversely, your "why not" is the wet blanket that threats to douse that fire. It is the secret inner monologue that has allowed you to find yourself in the place and space you currently inhabit.
Today, I'm encouraging you to confront your "why nots." Understand what has been stopping you so you don't get sucker punched by these ideas when they pop up later & threaten to side line your efforts.
In my case, I stayed heavy for so many really good reasons. First, my focus was on being a good mom, being a great teacher, and being a good wife. None of these required me to be physically different. After all, my days of clubbing in clingy clothes were over. Who was I trying to impress? Just my husband and he was fine with my curves. I wasn't trying to catch a man and the one I had was happy.
To be honest, my "motherly figure" was actually a plus at work because it made me completely non-sexual. Kind of a plus when you are teaching hormone-heavy teens.
Further, it was easier to deal with adults when I was overweight. Women weren't catty. Men weren't hitting on me. Heck, I didn't even draw a second look most of the time.
My extra weight was a cocoon of warmth that was sexually neutral and the epitome of zero threat. I wasn't so big that I was somehow offensive or socially unacceptable. In so many ways, it was perfect!
Can you imagine how difficult it is to choose restraint, hard work, exhaustion, embarassment, frustration and fear every day when these things were the alternative?
Losing weight is hard. At least it was for me. I had to change what I ate, how ate, when I ate, why I ate. I had to change how I moved, when I moved, why I moved. I had to feel my body melt and morph and mend. Worse yet, I had to watch it happen. It didn't always look good and it wasn't fun.
In those quiet moments, I was choosing between the warm blanket of pounds (or my fat wubby :-) and the cold loneliness of sore muscles and the feeling that something was always missing from my plate.
Surpised to find me say these things? I know, it might not be what you'd expect from a motivator, but a big part of success is facing the situation from a place of honesty.
Ya gotta get real. Yes, there were some things about being overweight that felt like major benefits, yet there were also some aspects of that life that sucked, plain and simple.
I felt uncomfortable in almost everything I wore. An outfit never looked like it was supposed to look on my body and fabric folded in embarrassing ways.
I couldn't wear dresses. I went years without wearing a dress because if the wind blew that fabric flattened molded against my curves and NOT in a good way.
My skin had marks all over it from where fabric or skin rubbed and chaffed. It tooks months after I'd hit my goal weight for these marks to go away.
My asthma went ballistic. I was having trouble breathing when I sat down and watched movies because the rolls and boobs applied too much pressure to my chest. True story.
I got winded going upstairs. My home became a house of yells and shouts because that was the fastest way to communicate without actually tackling those stairs.
My husband loved me as I was, but I didn't feel sexy at all. There are aspects of intimacy that really require you to feel sexy in your skin. You are a completely different person behind closed doors when the skin you are in "fits." & that's all I have to say about that.
I realized that I wanted to let my sons know that they can have a nurturing mom who is also fun, healthy and yes, sexy. I started thinking about the true message I was sending to them: that sexy women are associated with pre-motherhood and that post-motherhood that all shuts down. What man looks forward to that? Would that silent message impact their decision to commit to someone, would it cause them to resist the idea of building a family?
I knew that once the weight left and I got noticed people might get mean. People might remember that I was a female, that I was a sexual being, and that (for whatever crazy reason) might make me a threat. I don't like drama. Kinda hate it. I don't like cattiness. Kinda hate it. I don't like it when folks are mean to me. Really hate it. But, if it comes down to a choice between my health and someone else feeling threatened: That person can suck it. Seriously.
Ultimately, the weight loss journey became the single most profound of my life. I reclaimed certain parts of my personality and gained a new-found strength. I learned to deal with conflict graciously instead of avoiding it using unhealthy habits. In short, I had to put on my big girl panties and deal with the real world on my own terms instead of hiding from it in a 60 lb fat suit.
This is what you have to remember when you are making changes. Yes, it can stink in the moment; be honest about that. But when you are being honest, remember to also be honest about the fact that sometimes when we make a wrong turn, the journey back to the right road is long and bumpy. That is a basic truth, so deal with it. The cherry on top is that you gain so much more than you could ever lose.
It won't be fun while you push toward this goal.
You will go with out things you'd like to have.
You will miss things you've had that feel familiar (and good).
You will be uncomfortable. Sorry, it's true.
And you will be stronger and better and healthier and more balanced than you could ever imagine.
You will be more centered in your own shoes because you will have defined yourself, from the inside out.
This is what you have to think about when you commit to a major lifestyle change. List your why nots. Write them down and then give a reason each isn't valid. Post them somewhere you can go back and review them when you need them. Acknowledge that you are losing more than just the weight and then realize that you are gaining something each and every day.
This is where you will find your fuel: through honest release of what is lost and faithful pursuit of what is gained.
Stay tuned for more on the role of journaling as you move toward success!
8.09.2012
Rise of Creative* Fitness
Cool things are afoot in the fitness world, folks: Beachbody is merging with Powder Blue Productions.
I won't pretend to have a complete handle on this thing, but I can tell you that two fitness powerhouses are joining forces in a way that I believe is new to the fitness world.
From what I understand, many of the formats that you love in the gym like PiYo and Hip Hop Hustle will soon be available at home in your living room just as TurboKick and Les Mills PUMP are now.
Conversely, many of the formats that you love at home like Insanity and Brazil Butt Lift will soon be available in a gym near you just as P90X technically is now, although I am not familiar with any locations that have it yet.
Before you start slipping into a someone-put-peanut-butter-in-my-chocolate and someone-put-chocolate-in-my-peanut-butter vortex, I implore you to keep your knickers on (and perhaps to remember that a chocolate and peanut butter combo is quite delicious): from where I'm sitting, this move is brilliant.
If you add the new a la carte movement in group exercise (like Group FX), that provides pay per event fitness "concerts" with fitness rockstars, I think I'm noticing a trend here. It looks like fitness is actually being led by the consumer for a change.
As a fitness fan, I have to say I dig it. I dig it a lot.
Consider your frustration with classes that you love being cut at random. It happened recently at a chain that I worked for. All of a sudden, Hip Hop Hustle and PiYo were gone from the schedule in a poof! Wham, bam, thank you but it's gone, ma'am. If you couldn't get it at your gym, you were pretty much screwed. You could go to another chain, but that might mean losing your favorite instructor or losing another program that the chain chose not to carry for whatever (very corporate) reason.
No matter what, there always seems to be a sacrifice when it comes to fitness and I'll admit, as an instructor, Beachbody coach and participant, I have wondered why.
Why can't I get the formats I love with instructors I love at times I love? Okay, maybe not all at once, but can I get a little Zumba at home on a Thursday at midnight? It's weird, but yes. Yes I can. There is a Wii game, an Xbox Kinnect game & a series of awesome Exhilarate videos to soothe my craving. I can find it at my local gym and even in the club (Zumba-ritas, anyone?) in some cities.
I suppose that's what I want for my other formats as well: Access. Let's keep it real, it is hard enough to include exercise in our daily lives without adding hoops and hurdles to complicate the process. When I find what I love, I want to be able to get my sweat on without a headache.
It's funny, when Beachbody launched Les Mills PUMP at home, a friend who taught PUMP in the gyms thought it was competition. Huh? I don't see TurboJam & TurboFire undermining TurboKick in gyms. Not in the least. If anything, my love for gym Turbo made me realize that I NEEDED access at home. Nothing is worse than a Turbo fiend without a funky groove and a punch/kick combo. Trust me, very twitchy & kinda sad.
So what does this mean for folks who aren't associated with either Beachbody or Powder Blue? Do you even have a runner in this race? I think so. In my opinion, community and choice are two of the most important factors in a successful fitness program. If you've been an island on the free weight floor, it might be cool to collaborate over the BodyBeast program. If you have been busting your hump at home with Insanity, you might take that craziness to a whole other level in a gym setting -- I know the Nike Training camp folks seem to love it and that is both an app and a class in the gym.
If nothing else, consider a world that allows you to choose your own date, time, location and format. Kinda cool, huh? With this kind of unprecedented creativity, your excuses would all but disappear. And, of course, that's a good thing!
In fitness and freedom,
*Rise of Creative is a reference to Richard Florida's book, Rise of the Creative Class (a good read!)
I won't pretend to have a complete handle on this thing, but I can tell you that two fitness powerhouses are joining forces in a way that I believe is new to the fitness world.
From what I understand, many of the formats that you love in the gym like PiYo and Hip Hop Hustle will soon be available at home in your living room just as TurboKick and Les Mills PUMP are now.
Conversely, many of the formats that you love at home like Insanity and Brazil Butt Lift will soon be available in a gym near you just as P90X technically is now, although I am not familiar with any locations that have it yet.
Before you start slipping into a someone-put-peanut-butter-in-my-chocolate and someone-put-chocolate-in-my-peanut-butter vortex, I implore you to keep your knickers on (and perhaps to remember that a chocolate and peanut butter combo is quite delicious): from where I'm sitting, this move is brilliant.
If you add the new a la carte movement in group exercise (like Group FX), that provides pay per event fitness "concerts" with fitness rockstars, I think I'm noticing a trend here. It looks like fitness is actually being led by the consumer for a change.
As a fitness fan, I have to say I dig it. I dig it a lot.
Consider your frustration with classes that you love being cut at random. It happened recently at a chain that I worked for. All of a sudden, Hip Hop Hustle and PiYo were gone from the schedule in a poof! Wham, bam, thank you but it's gone, ma'am. If you couldn't get it at your gym, you were pretty much screwed. You could go to another chain, but that might mean losing your favorite instructor or losing another program that the chain chose not to carry for whatever (very corporate) reason.
No matter what, there always seems to be a sacrifice when it comes to fitness and I'll admit, as an instructor, Beachbody coach and participant, I have wondered why.
Why can't I get the formats I love with instructors I love at times I love? Okay, maybe not all at once, but can I get a little Zumba at home on a Thursday at midnight? It's weird, but yes. Yes I can. There is a Wii game, an Xbox Kinnect game & a series of awesome Exhilarate videos to soothe my craving. I can find it at my local gym and even in the club (Zumba-ritas, anyone?) in some cities.
I suppose that's what I want for my other formats as well: Access. Let's keep it real, it is hard enough to include exercise in our daily lives without adding hoops and hurdles to complicate the process. When I find what I love, I want to be able to get my sweat on without a headache.
It's funny, when Beachbody launched Les Mills PUMP at home, a friend who taught PUMP in the gyms thought it was competition. Huh? I don't see TurboJam & TurboFire undermining TurboKick in gyms. Not in the least. If anything, my love for gym Turbo made me realize that I NEEDED access at home. Nothing is worse than a Turbo fiend without a funky groove and a punch/kick combo. Trust me, very twitchy & kinda sad.
So what does this mean for folks who aren't associated with either Beachbody or Powder Blue? Do you even have a runner in this race? I think so. In my opinion, community and choice are two of the most important factors in a successful fitness program. If you've been an island on the free weight floor, it might be cool to collaborate over the BodyBeast program. If you have been busting your hump at home with Insanity, you might take that craziness to a whole other level in a gym setting -- I know the Nike Training camp folks seem to love it and that is both an app and a class in the gym.
If nothing else, consider a world that allows you to choose your own date, time, location and format. Kinda cool, huh? With this kind of unprecedented creativity, your excuses would all but disappear. And, of course, that's a good thing!
In fitness and freedom,
*Rise of Creative is a reference to Richard Florida's book, Rise of the Creative Class (a good read!)
7.31.2012
Always something more to be grateful for
Funny how a new place always brings new blessings and new opportunities. Yes, moving can be scary. But as a former military kid, child of divorced parents and as one who had a somewhat free-wheeling young adulthood, I have moved over 20 times and I can tell you that moving can be an amazing opportunity for renewal, growth and discovery.
For me, moving to Texas was life-changing. My marriage strengthened. My faith strengthened. I became a healthier, more balanced person whose time and energy allocation reflected her values.
Now, it seems, Louisiana is bringing me delicious little blessings anew.
It's been two years and a few months since I made a lifestyle change. Committing to fitness was a decision that was a long time coming and, like most folks, my journey is/was laden with a complicated web of emotion.
As a wife and mom, one of the major motivators for my transition was that I wanted to be a better me for my family. The strange thing is that my family kind of complicated things. My husband is not really into fitness. He's always been naturally slim and active in the "I played ball in school" kind of way. My younger son is also naturally thin and he is also naturally active -- playing outside, etc.
My 12 year old has my bone structure, my father's build, and my natural reluctance to physical exertion. He also has my love for food. And so, it seems, he's inherited my predisposition toward collecting and hoarding weight. When I caught the fitness bug, he was sure to keep his distance -- didn't want to risk catching it, ya know.
Like many parents who start this journey hoping to be a role model, I have found myself saddened by a new quandary. How to help my child understand the value of all we are and all we've worked to become and understand the importance of personal development.
I'm not one for sugar coating: Being overweight isn't okay and it's not cool. It also doesn't make you a bad person any more than any other unhealthy choice does. So how do I convey the need to feel good about himself at the same time I convey the need to work on areas that could make his quality of life better?
While many facets of my life were amazing in Texas, this one fact -- my son's personal battle with weight, activity and eating habits -- tugged at my heart strings.
It's true. He has developed into a kind person who is considerate of others and who has learned how to balance his emotions, engage the world respectfully and conduct himself with integrity. When I call this kid a rockstar, I am not overstating his indisputable awesomeness. Still, I know a little something about weight and the truth is, people shy away from activity and overindulge in food for a reason. As his mom, that's what I'm interested in helping him with next.
Of course, when you are 12 and male, your mom is probably dead last on the list of folks you want to talk fitness with. My son is no exception. Unfortunately, my hubby is a team sports guy and my son is not, so that's a dead end. For my love of Beachbody, he hasn't found a perfect fit in the Bb family. And my gym in Texas required him to be in the kids club (nursery) till 12. Upon his 12th birthday, he was released into general population & I am cool, but not quite that cool! He's still my baby & there is no way he's going out there to fend for himself on the fitness floor.
So whodathunkit? Life brings us to Youngsville, Louisiana and the big gym here is a little place called Red Lerille's Health & Racquet Club. This gym has a workout facility for kids from 9-12 so BOTH my sons can establish a healthy appreciation for fitness. There are basketball courts that kids can use (the ones at my old gym were there, but they were often contracted out to groups for practice and my kids were too young to use it anyway). I'm not sure if you can see it, but there's an indoor track that borders it on the second level. Again, I'm cool, but not that cool. Gotta get my mommy-stalk on!
There is a conditioning room just for kids from 9 -12 that has treadmills, stair masters, medicine balls, a TRX (OMg!), staffed conditioning hours (included with membership) and even kettle bells and Nautilus machines (for later). And there are pools with open areas to swim -- like with an actual stroke -- in open water.
Click here for more photos of Red's.
This place is insane & it's more than I could have ever dreamed of. More than I knew to hope for. It's crazy to think that I could discover my heart's desire here, in very last place I could have ever expected. As you move through your day -- through your life -- I encourage you to remember the amazing possibilities that exist for you if you keep your heart open and trust in the infinite possibilities.
Here's to a new chapter in family and fitness. Can't wait to keep you posted!
For me, moving to Texas was life-changing. My marriage strengthened. My faith strengthened. I became a healthier, more balanced person whose time and energy allocation reflected her values.
Now, it seems, Louisiana is bringing me delicious little blessings anew.
It's been two years and a few months since I made a lifestyle change. Committing to fitness was a decision that was a long time coming and, like most folks, my journey is/was laden with a complicated web of emotion.
As a wife and mom, one of the major motivators for my transition was that I wanted to be a better me for my family. The strange thing is that my family kind of complicated things. My husband is not really into fitness. He's always been naturally slim and active in the "I played ball in school" kind of way. My younger son is also naturally thin and he is also naturally active -- playing outside, etc.
My 12 year old has my bone structure, my father's build, and my natural reluctance to physical exertion. He also has my love for food. And so, it seems, he's inherited my predisposition toward collecting and hoarding weight. When I caught the fitness bug, he was sure to keep his distance -- didn't want to risk catching it, ya know.
Like many parents who start this journey hoping to be a role model, I have found myself saddened by a new quandary. How to help my child understand the value of all we are and all we've worked to become and understand the importance of personal development.
I'm not one for sugar coating: Being overweight isn't okay and it's not cool. It also doesn't make you a bad person any more than any other unhealthy choice does. So how do I convey the need to feel good about himself at the same time I convey the need to work on areas that could make his quality of life better?
While many facets of my life were amazing in Texas, this one fact -- my son's personal battle with weight, activity and eating habits -- tugged at my heart strings.
It's true. He has developed into a kind person who is considerate of others and who has learned how to balance his emotions, engage the world respectfully and conduct himself with integrity. When I call this kid a rockstar, I am not overstating his indisputable awesomeness. Still, I know a little something about weight and the truth is, people shy away from activity and overindulge in food for a reason. As his mom, that's what I'm interested in helping him with next.
Of course, when you are 12 and male, your mom is probably dead last on the list of folks you want to talk fitness with. My son is no exception. Unfortunately, my hubby is a team sports guy and my son is not, so that's a dead end. For my love of Beachbody, he hasn't found a perfect fit in the Bb family. And my gym in Texas required him to be in the kids club (nursery) till 12. Upon his 12th birthday, he was released into general population & I am cool, but not quite that cool! He's still my baby & there is no way he's going out there to fend for himself on the fitness floor.
So whodathunkit? Life brings us to Youngsville, Louisiana and the big gym here is a little place called Red Lerille's Health & Racquet Club. This gym has a workout facility for kids from 9-12 so BOTH my sons can establish a healthy appreciation for fitness. There are basketball courts that kids can use (the ones at my old gym were there, but they were often contracted out to groups for practice and my kids were too young to use it anyway). I'm not sure if you can see it, but there's an indoor track that borders it on the second level. Again, I'm cool, but not that cool. Gotta get my mommy-stalk on!
There is a conditioning room just for kids from 9 -12 that has treadmills, stair masters, medicine balls, a TRX (OMg!), staffed conditioning hours (included with membership) and even kettle bells and Nautilus machines (for later). And there are pools with open areas to swim -- like with an actual stroke -- in open water.
Click here for more photos of Red's.
This place is insane & it's more than I could have ever dreamed of. More than I knew to hope for. It's crazy to think that I could discover my heart's desire here, in very last place I could have ever expected. As you move through your day -- through your life -- I encourage you to remember the amazing possibilities that exist for you if you keep your heart open and trust in the infinite possibilities.
Here's to a new chapter in family and fitness. Can't wait to keep you posted!
7.23.2012
Settling In - Youngsville, LA Part 1
Okay, it might just be me, but when I move to a new place I have a (secret) internal social scavenger hunt that starts up. It will probably sound nutz and I may be completely alone, but it's true. When I have satisfied this list, it's like I can finally take a deep breath and cozy in to my new digs.
The funny thing is that I didn't realize that I do it until today. You might just share this little quirk, who knows. Here is a quick recap of mine.
I drove into downtown Lafayette (which is kind of an oxymoron, but whatevs, it is what it is) to find dirty gas stations, Church's chicken restarants and narrow streets. Cool, I think, that's like Ybor City -- hometown digs. Of course, here no one is speaking Spanish.
As I moved into Youngsville, things got country. Real country. I'm talking beaters, jalopies and frame houses nestled in sugar cane fields. Cool, I think, my family is from Groveland and Wildwood. Been here, done this.
I pull into my street and I start to feel my lungs constricting. I don't know this mix. Not personally, at least. There are turn of the century homes, 1960 ranch style (like mine), what looks to be an antebellum mansion diagonally behind me and a row of mobile homes scattered in the mix.
Um. I don't know about this.
As the day progresses, I see random dogs running up and down their property and shirtless barefoot kids throwing rocks for fun.
Um. I don't know about this.
There are other things that make me feel uneasy, like I am most certainly not in Kansas (or Texas or Florida to be more precise) anymore. Things that remind me that not only am I in the country, but I am in the deep South, like folks that seem alien in style, presence and possibly even mindset.
I start to feel like I can't breathe. What have I done? Where have I brought my family? I think of pressing questions, you know, the truly important stuff like where will I go to get my eyebrows thredded?
In the midst of my panic, we lunch in Southeast Lafayette. At McAlister's. Heck there is a McAlister's in Southlake. My friend Robin's husband works for them. McAlister's is in the Target shopping plaza. I know Target!
I waltz in, partially to get home stuff, partially to fulfill my need for the familiar, and it happens. I see a woman in workout clothes with three rambunctous boys orbiting her cart. Okay, people workout here. Check. I still haven't found a single gym with group ex, but these folks are working out somewhere & it's only a matter of time.
I see another with hombre-dyed hair, tan skin and a maxi tube top dress. Style. Check. I see a third chatting on a cell phone, her nails are done and she's mentioning grabbing sushi for lunch. Sushi. Check!
I see another African American woman with what appear to be threaded brows and a great hair cut (yes, silly stuff like that matters & no, it's not racist. I think it's normal to want to see your own identity mirrored in your environment.). I stalk her and get her stylist's information. Hair stylist. Check!
No dice on the threading, but it's early & hope springs eternal.
Somewhere between the bath mats & the broom, I feel my chest relax and my shoulders fall just a bit. This town may be foreign in a million ways but there are many, many things that feel like home.
As I exit the store, I look up and see a family: African American mom, white freckled dad in khakis, and two biracial boys bouncing around the pair. I don't know them from anywhere, but I look at them, full on. They seem harried and exhausted in ways that only suffering through Target with children can cause, but that's all. They don't look oppressed or tortured or praying for a way out of this town.
I realize that this is what I've been waiting for, for assurance that every quiet fear I've had about the potential for racism in this state, this town, this move may be a challenge, but it won't be the defining experience. As my breathing shifts into a fully relaxed state I realize that I have been waiting for this final thing on my unspoken checklist.
And I know. I know it will all be fine because I've got everything I need.
The funny thing is that I didn't realize that I do it until today. You might just share this little quirk, who knows. Here is a quick recap of mine.
I drove into downtown Lafayette (which is kind of an oxymoron, but whatevs, it is what it is) to find dirty gas stations, Church's chicken restarants and narrow streets. Cool, I think, that's like Ybor City -- hometown digs. Of course, here no one is speaking Spanish.
As I moved into Youngsville, things got country. Real country. I'm talking beaters, jalopies and frame houses nestled in sugar cane fields. Cool, I think, my family is from Groveland and Wildwood. Been here, done this.
I pull into my street and I start to feel my lungs constricting. I don't know this mix. Not personally, at least. There are turn of the century homes, 1960 ranch style (like mine), what looks to be an antebellum mansion diagonally behind me and a row of mobile homes scattered in the mix.
Um. I don't know about this.
As the day progresses, I see random dogs running up and down their property and shirtless barefoot kids throwing rocks for fun.
Um. I don't know about this.
There are other things that make me feel uneasy, like I am most certainly not in Kansas (or Texas or Florida to be more precise) anymore. Things that remind me that not only am I in the country, but I am in the deep South, like folks that seem alien in style, presence and possibly even mindset.
I start to feel like I can't breathe. What have I done? Where have I brought my family? I think of pressing questions, you know, the truly important stuff like where will I go to get my eyebrows thredded?
In the midst of my panic, we lunch in Southeast Lafayette. At McAlister's. Heck there is a McAlister's in Southlake. My friend Robin's husband works for them. McAlister's is in the Target shopping plaza. I know Target!
I waltz in, partially to get home stuff, partially to fulfill my need for the familiar, and it happens. I see a woman in workout clothes with three rambunctous boys orbiting her cart. Okay, people workout here. Check. I still haven't found a single gym with group ex, but these folks are working out somewhere & it's only a matter of time.
I see another with hombre-dyed hair, tan skin and a maxi tube top dress. Style. Check. I see a third chatting on a cell phone, her nails are done and she's mentioning grabbing sushi for lunch. Sushi. Check!
I see another African American woman with what appear to be threaded brows and a great hair cut (yes, silly stuff like that matters & no, it's not racist. I think it's normal to want to see your own identity mirrored in your environment.). I stalk her and get her stylist's information. Hair stylist. Check!
No dice on the threading, but it's early & hope springs eternal.
Somewhere between the bath mats & the broom, I feel my chest relax and my shoulders fall just a bit. This town may be foreign in a million ways but there are many, many things that feel like home.
As I exit the store, I look up and see a family: African American mom, white freckled dad in khakis, and two biracial boys bouncing around the pair. I don't know them from anywhere, but I look at them, full on. They seem harried and exhausted in ways that only suffering through Target with children can cause, but that's all. They don't look oppressed or tortured or praying for a way out of this town.
I realize that this is what I've been waiting for, for assurance that every quiet fear I've had about the potential for racism in this state, this town, this move may be a challenge, but it won't be the defining experience. As my breathing shifts into a fully relaxed state I realize that I have been waiting for this final thing on my unspoken checklist.
And I know. I know it will all be fine because I've got everything I need.
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