Engagement: A goal worth pursuing

A few years ago at about this time, I set a goal for myself.
That year, the goal was engagement.

I wanted to feel planted in each moment and often (far too often) I felt that I was only feeling the true impact of events after the event had passed.

I ran, ran, ran full throttle through each day and in the quiet moments -- like 3 minutes before I succumbed to exhaustion -- I would smile when I remembered the tenderness of my children's kiss. The wonder in their eyes. The sadness that lingered in the corners when they waited for their turn to hold my attention, undivided. The subtle kindnesses of my husband. The smile from a clerk in the market. Anything. They tickled the edge of my consciousness like falling snowflakes, melting before I could really grasp the impact of each.

As with most things, I mastered this skill when I was at work but by the time I got home there was nothing left. It was a difficult, disconnected time in my life.

Years later, life has slowed. The old me would probably make small gagging sounds if she saw how slowly my days pass, often doing only one task at a time and moving to the beat of a slow bass line rather than a racing snare.

Some days I wonder if the sacrifices I've made to live life at this slower pace are worth it. Other days, there isn't a doubt in my mind. Today was one of those days.

I have a woman in my seated strength training class who recently started attending classes again. She is stately and graceful and kind. She also suffers from dementia as a result of Alzheimer's.

I am new to her which means that on any given day or time she may know me and she may not. All we have for certain is each moment. In that moment, she may not know my name or my face but -- if I am engaged and present -- she will always know my kindness.

Today we shared an hour. We began laughing and hip shaking to the beat of "Kansas City" by Wilbert Harrison. The 30+ years between our ages melted and there was a fierce shimmy breakdown as we giggled like school girls. The class began and I could see her focus fade and return throughout the hour. As she left she remembered me again, we connected over my new found home in a town she'd lived in for years and then she was gone again, body present but mind lost somewhere in time.

This is why we must claim each moment. Why we must pay whatever price there may be for living fully in the present, for seeing each person truly. In an hour and fifteen minutes, I may have had 10 minutes of clarity with this beautiful woman. Perhaps less. But each moment was precious. Each moment lifted my spirit and recharged my soul. I would like to believe that her spirit and soul felt the same.

As you "resolve" this year to make changes for the better, know that it may take years to inch toward your goal, but the measure of a worthy goal is in the beauty revealed as a result of its pursuit.

I wish you love.

Until next,