We hold these truths to be self-evident

My nine year old son came home a few weeks ago with an assignment that required him to memorize a portion of the preamble to the constitution.

I should explain that this assignment did not appear in conjunction with a lesson on the content of the words they were memorizing. Oh no. They were just supposed to learn it, to hell with meaning. But I try to be a good mother and roll model, so I joined the crazy party and made him memorize the thing.

The assignment, common to all the fourth graders at my local elementary school, sparked a gaggle of facebook banter. A sea of disgruntled and incredulous dissent swept across the familiar blue and white screen, but in the end, we all caved. Every single one of us.

I actually wound up memorizing the darn thing right along with him – even my six year old knows a bit, maybe the dog does, I don’t know. We moved through our lives with a sliver of paper flopping around like a pathetic appendage that I would whip out at traffic lights while in route to soccer games, soccer practice, church, the park, the grocery store, wherever.

Whenever I did this, I smiled and reminded my son that this was “the introduction to an amazing document, a work of rhetorical genius that has served as the foundation for our country and for others in their pursuit of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness!”

Of course, when I said it, I sounded like Tour Guide Barbie and my kids can smell insincerity like dogs smell fear. My son, inconvenient genius that he is, was not having it. He gave me the same, yeah whatever mom smile he gives me when I mention Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy: the smile that says, “I know this is a crock, but I’ll play along.”

And you know what? I have a sneaky suspicion he might be right. I mean seriously, what exactly is the value of memorizing those lines? For that matter, what exactly is the purpose of myriad little requirements he’s had in his four years since kindergarten? If I had a dollar for every seemingly pointless process, I’d be a fairly wealthy girl.

Case in point: around the same time that the now-infamous memorization fiasco occurred, my son showed me something called a Boss chart. Several steps that helped you understand how to round numbers up. Apparently, the number on the right is the “boss” and the “boss” is always right.

Seriously?

Are there kids out there struggling with this? 5 & up round up. 4 & down round down. I’m done.

But they have a chart, a story and maybe even a song (yes, I actually do see songs from time to time) designed to help them remember equally inane processes. It might just be me, but isn’t it harder to learn all the extra stuff? Maybe they’d remember the tree a little better if you didn’t make them touch the whole forest just to do so.

That’s just me, though. What do I know?

Clearly the necessity of these steps is considered “self-evident” to the powers that be. If not, then why in the heck do they subject our kids to it?

I realize the idea of what is or isn’t necessary when it comes to education can be tricky. Trust me, I know, I was in the classroom for 11 years hashing out many of these idiotic processes. But even I drew the line when they asked me to recite rap songs about the parts of speech. I think I’d rather show my boobs on the internet thank you very much.

Of course, it isn’t just educators who are at fault, this insanity transcends the classroom. I mean, do kids need someone hovering over them when they play outside? Do I need to enroll them in sports at age 3 and hire a trainer at age 6? Do I need to establish play dates so they won’t be weird? Do I really need to pump them full of fluoride or vitamins or only feed them raw vegetables that they have chewed 23 times (the recommended average)?

I don’t know.

I mean, I should know. I’m mom, after all. I’m supposed to know everything, but I don’t. So for now I’ll be the girl assuming that all of the frantic hovering goes with the territory. I’ll err on the side of caution and all that. Yeah, I'll play along, but in the back of my mind I’ll be wondering if this was one of those self-evident truths that will revolutionize the world (or at least the lives of my children) or if it’s all just a crock.