It's not you, it's me

Okay, so I know you've heard this one before -- that it's not you; it's me -- but stick with me on this one.

I have walked around having what is tantamount to an out-of-body experience in the last two weeks.

I actually used the words "claw ___'s eyes out" in several different contexts. Me? Yep, perky Patty herself.

I've bemoaned my thin skin, my aggravation, I even fist-pumped to "We're not gonna take it!" by Twisted Sister when it slipped into the play list during spin on Wednesday. Forget the Ghost Rider, I have been hell on wheels people.

All the while, I've wondered what gives. What, exactly, is the dealy-o? Then as usual it all came together after a little girl time, a little rum, a little facebook and a good night's rest.

While chatting with a few members of the goddess squad last night, I realized that what I'd perceived (and received) as a series of insults were really just people responding to the new, clearly defined and strengthened me. I am positive because I want to be. Because I am blessed and I enjoy having the joy I feel exude from my words, my smile, my life.

Would you believe that I was offended because I'd been described as " really overly excited?" When one of the goddess squad members called me "exuberant," my little heart took flight. C'mon. I'm an English major, folks. While "overly excited" might not get an "A" for delivery, the message is pretty darn similar so what's up with being offended?

This same series of revelations continued througout the evening, through my dreams and into the morning when I read a newer friend's post. She wrote of not riding the fence, but asserting who you are with pride and confidence. As I read, my light bulb came on.

You see, that's what all of this is really about. It's about me knowing who I want to be and even about me becoming that person. Since it's still new, I'm kind of like Jake Sully in those first clumsy moments in the avatar: It feels new and right, but it also feels alien and raw.

Truth be told, I didn't know exactly how to take comments about my positivity -- do I bust out with a "What you talkin' bout, Willis?" or do I gracefully say thank you? The same holds true for other new experiences that have me feeling a little shaky in the knees.

Now that my older son is moving up and moving away, what is my purpose in his life, in this role as mom? Will I be ready for the new ways in which he'll need me?

Now that I'm defining myself, how do those who've known me for years navigate the newly defined territories and boundary lines?

I'd like to believe that "becoming" is like blooming into a beautiful little flower, but it isn't always. It's more like waking up in a 10 foot avatar suit and knockin crap over while you get your stuff straight.

Ya see, in the time that I've been asking myself what on earth is up with the cold-pricklies that have been coming my way, I may have wanted to look inward on this one. I don't fault myself for the awkward moments, the graceless slips, but I do own my responsibility to figure it out and to own the fullness of this process.

Thank God for the guides that inform my path.

Until next,